In a world overflowing with expectations, it’s easy to fall into the trap of living a “rented life.” I was gaslighted by someone last night and only this term popped up in my mind. I unintentionally invented this term to give meaning to the essence of living according to others’ wishes and expectations instead of our own. When we prioritize others’ desires over our own, we start losing our sense of self, leading to profound unfulfillment and the false belief that we are unacceptable or inherently wrong.
Living a rented life means handing over the keys to our own lives and becoming tenants in someone else’s vision of who we should be. This can manifest in various ways, such as pursuing a career because it’s expected by family or society rather than following our passion, staying in unhealthy or unfulfilling relationships out of fear of judgment or disapproval, or adopting lifestyle choices that don’t resonate with our true selves just to fit in or please others.
Cultural and societal norms play significant roles in this phenomenon. Collectivist cultures often foster a stronger tendency towards living a rented life due to the emphasis on fulfilling family and societal obligations. From infancy, family systems shape our psychosocial development. Strong parental expectations regarding education, career, and lifestyle often lead us down paths that clash with our true motivations. Societal standards dictate what constitutes acceptable behavior, success, and fulfillment. The internalization of these norms can coerce us into conformity, even at the expense of our authentic desires.
Conversely, individualistic cultures may prioritize personal fulfillment but still grapple with societal expectations that can drive people to live according to communal standards. Traditional gender roles also shape expectations for men and women, contributing to a rented life. For instance, women may feel pressure to prioritize family over career, while men may be expected to be the primary breadwinners. These roles can lead to individuals sacrificing their personal aspirations to fit into predefined molds. Cultural nuances within a country, such as urban vs. rural environments, socioeconomic status, and religious beliefs, can also influence the experience of a rented life, highlighting the pervasive nature of societal pressures.
Fear of rejection and judgment further complicate matters. Individuals with heightened social anxiety may experience a pervasive fear of negative evaluation, compelling them to conform to others’ expectations to avoid criticism or ostracism. Low self-esteem undermines confidence in personal judgment and capabilities, leading to over-reliance on others’ opinions and a consequent surrender of personal agency.
People-pleasing behavior stemming from low self-esteem is another factor in gaining validation and approval from others, believing their worth is contingent on meeting others’ expectations. People-pleasers often have an intense fear of rejection and conflict, leading them to avoid disagreement or disapproval, resulting in a life dictated by others’ wishes. By ensuring that others are happy, individuals may feel a greater sense of control over their relationships and social interactions. People-pleasers might believe that by satisfying others, they will receive positive treatment in return, fostering a false sense of security and stability in relationships.
Cognitive biases and beliefs also contribute to living a rented life. People with an external locus of control perceive their lives as being governed by external forces rather than their own actions. This perception fosters a reliance on others’ directives, feeling powerless to navigate their own course. The imposter syndrome, characterized by chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence, drives individuals to conform to external expectations to validate their worth and competence. Economic dependency and rigid educational and vocational systems often necessitate conformity to predefined criteria for success, impeding the pursuit of personally meaningful paths.
The concept of Conformity in Social influence theory further explains why people might lead a rented life. Normative social influence occurs when individuals conform to be liked or accepted by others, with fear of rejection or social isolation leading to significant changes in behavior, even when these changes conflict with personal values or desires. Informational social influence happens when individuals look to others to obtain information about what is correct or appropriate. Compliance involves changing one’s behavior in response to a direct request, often linked to the desire to gain rewards or avoid punishment. Social pressure followed by the directives of an authority figure, can lead individuals to suppress their own desires and conform to external expectations to gain social approval.
Media and advertising further perpetuate the phenomenon of living a rented life. Unrealistic beauty standards portrayed in the media lead to body dissatisfaction and a desire to conform to these ideals, driving individuals to live according to others’ expectations of beauty. Advertising promotes consumerism and the idea that happiness comes from acquiring possessions, creating pressure to achieve a certain lifestyle that may not align with one’s true desires. Social media fosters comparison and the fear of missing out (FOMO), leading individuals to curate a perfect online image, often at the expense of their authentic selves. This constant comparison can push people into a rented life, where they strive to meet external standards rather than their own.
Psychologically, Self-Determination Theory by Deci and Ryan suggests that human beings have three basic psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Autonomy refers to the need to feel in control of our own behaviors and goals. When these needs are not met, individuals may find themselves living a “rented life,” compromising their autonomy and aligning their actions with the wishes of others rather than their own values and desires, leading to a lack of motivation and fulfillment. Festinger’s theory of cognitive dissonance suggests that when there is a conflict between our beliefs and behaviors, it creates psychological discomfort. Living according to others’ wishes can create cognitive dissonance because our actions are not aligned with our true beliefs and desires. This discomfort can manifest as stress, anxiety, and overall dissatisfaction with life. Maslow’s hierarchy of needs outlines a progression from basic physiological needs to the need for self-actualization. At the top of the hierarchy is self-actualization, which involves realizing one’s full potential and living authentically. When we live a rented life, we are hindered in our journey toward self-actualization because we are not fulfilling our true potential or living in alignment with our authentic selves.
The consequences of living a rented life are profound. When we live according to others’ wishes, we start to lose touch with who we truly are. Our goals, dreams, and desires get overshadowed by the expectations placed upon us. Over time, we may find ourselves wondering what we truly want from life and who we really are beneath the layers of others’ expectations. Constantly trying to meet others’ expectations can lead to significant emotional distress. The pressure to conform can cause anxiety, depression, and a pervasive sense of inadequacy. A rented life often leads to stagnation and a lack of personal growth. Our potential remains untapped, and we find ourselves stuck in a cycle of mediocrity.
The experience of a rented life can vary significantly across generations. Baby Boomers faced postwar societal expectations that emphasized career and financial success for men and domestic roles for women. These societal norms often led to life choices driven by external expectations rather than personal fulfillment. Millennials face pressure to balance work, family, and personal life, with student loan debt and economic instability influencing their career choices and relationships. The pervasive influence of social media and technology impacts this generation’s sense of self and identity, often driving them towards a rented life as they strive to meet the curated lives they see online. Gen Z faces unique challenges such as climate change and economic uncertainty. The importance of mental health and self-care is crucial for this generation, with social media shaping their values and aspirations, often creating pressure to conform to idealized standards and thus live a rented life.
Breaking free from a rented life requires self-reflection. Learn to say no to things that don’t serve your well-being or align with your values. It’s not about being selfish; it’s about self-preservation and living a life true to yourself. Whether it’s a career change, a new hobby, or ending toxic relationships, take steps towards a life that reflects your true self. Remember, it’s never too late to make changes that align with your authentic desires.
Practical strategies to break free from a rented life include self-discovery techniques such as journaling, meditation, and mindfulness practices to explore personal values and desires. By understanding oneself better, individuals can begin to align their actions with their true selves rather than external expectations. Take the time to understand your own desires, passions, and values. Setting boundaries involves learning to communicate assertively to reclaim autonomy and avoid the trap of a rented life. Build self-esteem to value your own opinions and desires over external validation.
Negative self-talk can perpetuate a rented life by reinforcing self-doubt and limiting beliefs. Identifying negative thought patterns and challenging them is crucial for reclaiming one’s life. Cognitive-behavioral techniques, such as cognitive restructuring, help replace negative thoughts with positive affirmations, fostering a healthier mindset. Self-compassion, including self-kindness and self-forgiveness, builds resilience and fosters a healthier self-image, allowing individuals to live authentically rather than conform to others’ expectations. By addressing negative self-talk, individuals can break free from the constraints of a rented life and embrace their true selves.
Research suggests that there is a delicate balance between the need to belong and the desire to be unique. Individuals must find ways to fulfill these seemingly competing needs, perhaps by joining distinctive groups that allow for self-expression and a sense of belonging simultaneously. When individuals embrace their true selves and live accordingly, they not only experience greater personal fulfillment but also contribute to a more accepting and inclusive society. By encouraging openness and acceptance, we can create an environment where individuals are empowered to explore and express their unique identities, ultimately leading to a flourishing of both personal and societal growth.
Living a rented life is not sustainable. By embracing your true self and living according to your own wishes, you can find a deeper sense of peace and fulfillment. Remember, you are not wrong or unacceptable; you are unique and worthy of living a life that reflects your true self. Take the reins of your life and live it on your terms. After all, you are the only one who can write the story of your life. Embrace your true self, and watch your life transform in ways you never thought possible.
